Only God knows how I feel...

Stop crying ... Don't cry anymore... Why cry for someone who doesn't care...

U r crying and he is enjoying his life...
His mind is all bout holiday and he is so excited on his US trip..

He come to me and ask for forgiveness bcoz dad spoke to him??? If not he wouldn't even take action??

Is this what he promise that he will change and put me in priority? You are being cheated again. U r such a fool!

Looking at the roses today.. They are getting tired. Many has given up. Regardless how strong the flowers are, there is life in it. If the life in the flower is getting weak, it will rather give up. Another day of life meanings nothing...

Lying on the bed... With lots of memories flashing in mind my, my tears just automatical rolling down. Me crying here, he is having fun out there. How unfair world could this be. The choice is urs... I can choose a better life.

Looking at the dark red roses...standing strong and firm in the vase...like my heart

i recall a lot of moments...happy and sad...

I was so so busy this morning and a colleague of mine asking me to go to the receiption counter as someone looking for me. I saw a BIG bouquet of flowers- red roses.

I know its from him... With a message "please forgive me"

When I walked in to the off, all colleague looking at me asking me all sorts of questions

What special occassion ???
What specialday??
Anniversary??

So so many more... I just shake my head and said no special occassion...

Too many ppl at different time and event asking me

At last I can't take it and said " not for any happy thing"

Then they asked " so its an appology flowers- so r u happy now and forgive him?

I just shake my head with a smile to hide my sadness...

I didn't look at the flowers when it arrives. Later on the day before I left the office, I had a closer look at the roses... I don't like roses but these roses are really nice and quality roses- stands out strong and firm - dark marroon red..

It is really a beautiful bouquet.. It's 24 stalks...

This is my 4th time receiving flower/s from him

First was on my first birthday celebration - it was 3 stalks of roses

Second was my last day in Unilever

Third was an appology flowers

Fourth is the same appology flowers

Flowers should be given on special occasions and happy reasons but not in my case for the last two times..

I dun receive flowers on my birthday..not even a celebration or a cake

I dun receive flowers on valentine

I dun receive flowers on anniversary

I dun hv a flower when he propose... And I still can't forget the hesitated and embarrassed look at the restaurant in Athens when he proposed.

If this flowers arrive at the early stage of our arguments , I think I may still think about it..

Not at the last stage when I requested for him to move out...only he started to do something which is flowers..become meaningless to me... Both of my legs are on another side of the road and it is too small an effort from him to ask me to return. The damage that he has done to my heart is not something that can be heal with roses. And let the damages to turn worse by not doing anything for the past 2.5 months.


He dropped me a sms before he left to Taiwan for holiday again ..


"I am boarding now.....really hope I can be with you forever. As long as you can forgive me. I will whole heartedly do what ever you want. Love you June, always do."

I do not need him to do whatever I want..
I just need him to use his heart in this relationship and keep every single words he said.

When I newly know him, I was very impress that he remembere every single thing I said.

But now, not only he can't remember mine but he don't even remembered what he has promised

Really I dun see his heart for this relationship...

I really can't...

It never the last tears... It's so hard to make it the last tears...

Driving to work or back from work is the worst moment to be in...
Tears just rolling down automatically without any control...

I recall what happened yesterday...
When mom ask me early in the morning

Mum: I wan to ask u something
Me : don't ask
Mum: what happen to u and him?
Me : dun ask. I dowan to say anything...
Mum: whatever it is u need to solve the prob?
Me : why? Why? Why is it me that always tat the initiative to solve all our problems! He can leave the prob for 2-3 months..it shows that I am not important to him
Mum: what actually happen to u and him? U keep everything to urself
Me : dun ask anymore. I really dowan to say anything
Mum: u got to also find a solution. U keep everything to urself also u dun feel happy...

She just walk out the room. My tears uncontrollable rolling down, I know she is very sad to see me sad...
I am sorry to make u sad mom...

Yeah... I need a solution and I have been keeping everything to myself without sharing to anyone - not even my sis.

I can't take everything on my own anymore

I text him and ask him to move out when he is free.

he asked " u can't forgive me, don't u?

Later he said " I will move out after US trip"

Later he asked " how bout the SD 7 house?"

The only question I answer was the house. I told him that I can take it if he doesn't want it or we can sell off the house"

He asked " do v need to go to this stage"

Why keep asking me all these questions.. When u should been asking urself these and what hv u done or should do.

He will only start to look into our relationship after the US trip..after he enjoy his holiday and less busy with work only he will start doing something for our relationship? Don't u think it is very unfair? Don't u think he is so damn selfish ??

I won't let the house to tie me down. Won't even take the reason to get back to him due to the house. Is my whole life happiness... How would I agree to get back due to just the house.

I really wan to cry ...

Yesterday was 11.11.11
The day he first promise to hv our wedding day

I m very sad till I hv no words for him

Silent...silent..silent...
Silently moving myself to new chapter..

I can't live with a person who claim tat he loves me and will build a future wit me but till date do merely nothing to save this relationship..
Don't gv me the reason of busy ..
Don't gv me the reason of sick..
My heart is sick for so long...do u care?
If I dun deserve ur care....why should I give u mine too..

More than 2 months not saving any money to our acc...
Wat's the reason? Bcos I didn't nag u to do so?
How could I rely on such a guy to take care of me and my future family?
I cant ask my child to go hunger for 2 months right?
Where goes the sense of responsibility?


I hv woke up from my dream and face reality...
Getting tougher each day...
Today will b my last tears for this relationship...

Sick people gets lots of attention and sympathy frm ppl coz ppl see it...
Healthy ppl doesn't mean they r ok just bcos u ppl dun see it....
They may hv a sick heart ...tat nobody knows except themselves ...

A few days Of peaceful and quiet moments...
My life goes on...force to move on, can't stay on or keep waiting in this manner...
He is of to syney..
A few SMS...to ask me forget the past n forgive him...
Again a few words with such a BIG expectation...


I m not a machine or a robot tat tat by pressing a button, I can be wat u want...u can hurt my heart one day and another day request me to smile..
I hv feelings...
I hv been very very strong... To get up a few times after being hurt so many times...and also very silly to be hurt by same ppl in a same way...

Yea, true tat we hv happy moments together, mostly during trips...but tats not everything and not the main component of our life...
We hit into arguments again n again...same promises again and again...same believe again and again...I m exhausted...truly exhausted...

Will I move forward with him? I don't hv the courage anymore, don't hv the urge too...wat is worse is tat with merely no effort from him to cure this relationship...
I rather not get married than getting married to someone that do not give me the assurance tat he will tk care of me and our family...
Someone who only put promise in words from his mind and not action from his heart...

I dunno wat will I do but I don't feel like moving even a step forward!
2 months we survive in silent situation...2 months of no actions and only words and promises tat he will put me in top priority..
If v can survive in this months...what is love?


...

It's raining out there...
Feeling cold like my heart...
Hiding myself under the comforter but still can't fall asleep...
I m speechless...
What I want to do next?
What will happen?
Do I hv the courage to take the huge step in my life?
The step that will decide my future...another half of my life...

I'm so tired but can't sleep...
In looked at my palm and saw many fine lines..uncountable..making my hands look wrinkled and old...
Too many things occupying my mind...I need to let go...

I dun see it coming...
I dun see the will...
I dun see the energy...
I dun see the excitement...
I dun see the effort...
I dun the our future...

Regardless what he said about making the effort to focus on our future...I dun see he is working towards it..
The most he did was asking me if I wan to go for movie or shopping...
That is the most he can do?

The same old way to say he proof his effort...doing nothing much than just words and live like normal...

What is even sad is that saw the SMS from mum to him asking him to solve our prob and how could him leave the prob for so long and doing nothing, not even bringing me out to Pak tor..

It was the same day he SMS me to solve our prob

If mum didn't text him, would he put his effort to try to solve the prob?

Very sad...really heart broken...
Is this call love...

I tot love should be loving..

Why is love becoming so painful ...

How could he be so heartless?

How could he be so selfish to hold on to my life and do nothing but enjoy his own live?

I rather he tells me that he realize tat he dun love me as much as he tot and had never put me as 1st priority and would never be..
Let stab deep in my heart...at least I know the the ending...let me just suffer the pain for a short period..

Rather the pain prolong without any results by telling me that he will TRY to put me in his priority and want me to trust tat he want to build a home wit me BUT nothing happens ...
Such pain he puts me in is much more cruel than telling me tat he doesn't love me...

His heart only has his holiday and his work and all the fun things...


I want an answer..
I want a result...
I dun want to be hanging in this way...
I hv hang on for 4 years...I m tired...

I only want a loving and caring husband and happy home...

While he was driving me back from gym, the cd played a song " sa kua"... Silly person...

Tears rolling down...

Silly me...

After 1 yr of sacrificIng my darling, I hv achieve 25% incremental in salary and 6 months bonus. I wilkTRY my best to put u in priority and will not focus in work so much.


Sacrificing me for his career? I m not sure when he will sacrifice me again for other things he wants to achieve in life? Would u sacrifices ur life partner? Would u say I will TRY to pririoriise you? It comes from the heart and not mouth and not TRY. If u would do it, u would! If u dun, u can't even try!!!

How would he has Time for me?? He is now all excited for his trip..trip to aus, Taiwan and US and dun know where else? He has time for me? His time would be spent on the trip and extending his stay..

I m not important in his heart...

Is all bullish bullshit and bullshit!!!

My heart is aching...
Morning driving to work..listen to songs...
Some songs really makes me cry...
Take a deep deep breathe...

how he defends tht he would commit to our future when he can't even has he discipline to save for our future. After long persuasion and arguments, we ended with opening an account. initially was quite glad when he told me that he will be the on supporting the family regardless how much my earning is. But i offer to share at least 20%. Is an encouragement and assurance to him that i will commit too.

This arguments don't seems to end as every month i need to nag and nag and nag then only the will transfer his savings to this account. I feel very tired of doing it and i don't feel good of doing it. As if i am a bad person but if i don't he won't save and he will give you 101 reasons why he can't save.

but what happens if i don't remind or nag him? he will forgets. like this month. one month of silents and 1 month of no savings. a new month is coming, do you think he will transfer 2 months savings in it?

he also promise to save his bonus for the renovation of house and our wedding. Bonus month is Sept and now is Oct. No transfer of money to our account and do you think he would save??? or would he exhaust all the money for his travels and other things...

If we were to live together, i hate to be the bad person. i rather he has the heart and care for our future but so far...does it proves?

Really stressful lately..a lot of activities in office...
Can't fall asleep...too many things in mind...
Is good too...divert my attention of life..
Get away from love and back to reality...
Hopeful time will give me more courage to decide my love life different way.
He may think by doing nothing, time will give him more tine and things will by it's own became normal.
He is absolutely wrong...
I m just silent to give me more courage and braveness to walk away...I m too tired in this relationship and till date I don't see his effort..
He is leaving the relationship at it is and expecting thins will be alright n get bcd as normal without doing anything..
I hv express my feelings and pour out again last nite but i dun think he understand how I feel..
I shouldn't hv expect he will understand because he wouldn't want to learn to understand, if he does, he would hv done it...

Vincent posted a photo in his Facebook " 16th anniversary"...
Very creative ...he transform their kissing photo to word..their love story..where they o and what they hv done..
He celebrated almost every month f their anniversary...see them so loving...very happy for him.
I feel guilty for betraying him previously but I m glad that he found his true love and treasure their love very much...

Very happy for him..

Sad for myself...

I feel like giving up...
I m very tired..

He texted me today : I didn't do well in Greece, can we go Maldives on Christmas?

I dun need a luxury holiday to make it happen...if u present with sincere heart, anywhere anytime will do..
Maldives is just another holiday for him...
Is just a gimmick...

I m not materialistic...
I dun need Greece or Maldives...
I just need an assurance that he will take care and love me by putting me his top priority...

I dun see it...I dun feel it...
One promise after another promise,...
One date to another date...
It's getting latter and latter..

Last month he told me he will do it by oct?then nov?

And now change to dec?

After all his exciting trip to aus, Taiwan and US hn he " may" hv time for me....

Do I look so silly to believe another time?

I don't need a partner that cares ONLY when I fall sick. Even a friend can do better. He is down with sick and diarrhoea since last week and I hv not been asking bout his condition. He may think bout me being heartless and cruel. But the cut in my heart is so deep and the pain I suffer is much much more. He has done nothing much other than giving me kisses and asking me if I feel better.

He soon be away for his trip to Australia, Taiwan, US and some other places, one after another and I will never gonna has his attention. Early next year to get married is already a joke if were to mention about it, house hv no planning on how to renovate or decorate, most importantly....if he cares, nothing is impossible. I just so tinny and seamless in his heart.

Went to temple for prayers yesterday...
Previously when I m down I would seek god for direction ...this time I didn't..
Cos god has helped alot...gos has gave me both direction be it good or bad...
Whether things will change better or not is depends on individual...destiny is in ur hands...
No one can help him if he doesn't want to realize...
I m too tired to repeat myself...
I think I m very very close to giving up..I m tired.. Tired chancing for unrealistic dream...
I know my dreams very well..my dream is not to get married...my dream is to hv a loving and caring husband and family...
If I don't hv the secure feeling, no point to push for married...
If he doesn't appreciate and hv th heart to get married, why push for it..

Could only say...I m too silly to believe that would happen in him...

A kiss in the morning before you left to work means everything??? After one month of silent, just a morning kiss?

Got home today and mom told me that he is sick and went for injection. What can I do? Although I wish to care but who care for me? Only sick ppl need to be cared and healthy ppl will be left unattended?

He thought I am angry.. He thought we are quarrel...

He didn't realise that the silents is bringing us to different direction...

No one can make you realise or change you except yourself..
No point talking the same thing to him again and again..
If he will accept, he would hv ...
If he don't, he would never be...

A friend posted a quote in facebook that speaks my heart :

If he misses u, he will call
If he cares,he will show it
If he is not, he can't be worth your time
Because you are obviously not worth his!!

I felt exactly the same way..
I am crying again...
I cry when I listen to sad song while driving
I cry when I feel sad
Does he cares and feel how I feel?

Only God knows how I feel...
The cut in my heart is so deep and day by day it hurts more and more..
He didn't bother to even cure it..

He asked me over and over again today.." So how long more we need to quarrel for?"

Me: did you even care? We have been so for a month and the only thing I hear from you is that " when are we going to end the war " and " how long more?". Do you care how I feel? Do u use ur heart to feel how I feel? Do u use ur heart to listen?".

He didnt respond but continue doing what he is doing?

I just hide myself under my blanket and cried. Really want to cried out loud but who hear me and who cares?

I turned to him and asked " may I ask one question: what is the most important thing in ur life. What is ur top priority?"

He said " to have a fAmily"

In my heart I was thinking... Do u know what u are saying? Do u said because u think it is the right thing to say?

Then he added" I just don't want to quarrel with u"

Me " I am not quarreling with u and don't use that as a reason for not doing anything. Just ask urself how much time and effort u allocate each day in 24 h to achieve what u call as most important thing in your life??. Tat answer your question.

U can't claim that it is the most important thing in ur life when u do nothing and hoping things will happen on its own. U can't claim that it is the most important thing to u when u didn't even bother to achieve it.

How could u said something that u didn't do!

I really don't understand. And am I the most important person in his heart for him to achieve a family?

I am very sure what I want in life that why I am pushing for things to happen but it doesn't involve me alone, it takes both hands to clap.

Don't I deserve to have a happy family with loving and caring husband? He doesn't think I deserve it that's why I am not getting it?

God... Why am I treated this way?

Mom reminded him that this year I need to celebrate my birthday in a big way but celebration didn't happen and there is not even an effort to replace or to re-celebrate for me. But his cousin past away, he was so down and was so worried that relatives comment on him not attending funeral bla bla bla.. And he makes sure he made it on the 7th day of the death. I am not even important compared to a death person. Our proposal postpone day aft day and till date, didn't accepted.. Does he has the urgency to make it happen? NO !! Does he needs to wait till I die then he will hv the urgency?

The last proposal he made was just so so heartlessly and he is so embarrased to kneel down or even to get a flower for me. He is not even proud to have me!

Till now I can still remember the heartless face and I really wonder if he really loves me. I can be sure if Vincent, he will be very proud to propose to me. Not because he is ego but he is proud to tell the whole world that he loves me and that he want to live with me for the entire life. But for daniel, I am not sure... Really not sure...can only see through his eyes that he feels embarrass... I am not sure if he really loves me and see me as his life partner.

I have so many ppl whether my friends, colleague, unknown people.. Come asking me almost everyday.. When am I getting married? How long hv u been in the relationship? Then ... They hv this weird look at me and ask... "Is ur relationship stabil?" ... "Is he serious on you?"

Why people even those who doesnt knows him or our relationship will ask this questions? Because ppl will be surprise that such many years relationship hasn't move to next level. Ppl is suprise that if the guy is serious and treasure the girl... He would be eager to want to get married to her and would worry that other guys may take her away.

But I really don't think he has that feeling on me.

The silent days we have make me realise that he cares nothing on me.

The reason for being silent is not wanting to quarrel with me is just a reason he gives to himself for doing nothing.

If a guy who truly loves a girl, he would definitely worry and care for the girl and will not wait for this long and yet still do nothing!

I become to see clearer each day how much I meant to him...

My heart is aching...very pain and hurt
The only moment he approached me is yesterday -message me " when we are going to end this war?"
Is this all? Is this call effort?
I don't think he understand how I feel...

Today bump into a group of his friends..a guy tab on my shoulder and said " ji ji tan tek lui yan " ( in Cantonese ) ...I just smile and left.

It means ..." loyally waiting lady" ....in my heart I cried out loud, tears at the side of my eyes and I hold it tight.

It's a critic more than compliment.. It sound more like " pak chi tan tek lui yan "....."silly-Ed-Ly waiting lady"

Everyone know who is he... A free and easy guy... No commitment..no intension to build a family..

.Just me so silly waiting and hoping things will change..

Don't tell me tat you hv bought a house and ring... It means nothing to me...they are just a small small thing to be done, more and more to come and to do to take up this responsibility.

I just think u r not looking forward to it.. No excitement...no urgency...no worries...I m just push to the last in your to do list...

It is just so so sad... Very sad..I m really very very sad... What can I do?

Don't be so selfish to hold on my life and do nothing to me...I just want a happy family, caring and loving husband who take care of home...I didn't do anything wrong to be treated like this....

God what hv I done wrong that I didn't deserve for a happy family...why is it so hard to hv my own family. Why he has to treat me so? If he doesn't treasure me then let me go

Silly girl...
Why do u cry?
Why feel sad?
Why feel hurt u ?
As if he cares?
U r crying by yourself but he is partying with his bosses and pretty colleagues ...singing , smoking, drinking , dancing ....
Does he care for u ?
If he does he will not make u wait...
If he cares, he will not keep u alone...
If he cares, he will not do nothing...
I m just so so silly ...

How do I tell u how hurt I m ? Do u not hv feelings for me or are you just being ignorant? I hide and cry to myself in toilet , in blanket and while driving. Very very sad n my heart is just so so in pain. U said u will never make me cry but u did it again and again ...

Why hold on my life when u don't care for it? Anything that happening is more important than me? I m always push to the last in queue. Never ever your TOP priority. Hv u ask yourself what is the most important thing in ur life? If u can only choose one, wat would it b?

Even ur cousin who recently past away also got better priority than I do. U miss his funeral, u will ask if ur relative talk bout u not attending n you make it back to hometown regardless how late u work to attend his7th day death anniversary. But me.... Ur future life partner ...never gets such attention. U told me ...told m parents last year tat u will wed me this yr on 11.11.11 and mid this year u push the plan to early next yr! And now it become a joke to even say it will happen next year!! How much do I stand in ur heart? Don't tell me I m ur top priority when u don't even spend a solid hours in a day with me!

I m an ordinary girl...only dream to hv a happy family and loving and caring life partners. I can't live with a partner who don't even care how u feel, who won't take care of the family...

I m getting more and more insecure....

Ur day to day action is killing ur reputation in my heart...

I know very well what is my TOP priority...work is never ending, friend is good to hv but when everyone has their own family they will go their way, hobby is own interest but do not hv soul n I can't live alone wit my hobby ...so I know very clear what I want in life ...what is lasting in my heart, who I want to grow old with...

Sad to say I don't think u see it the way I do...

I m getting more n more awake n trying to get back to reality...cant live in a dream thinking tat u will change. Everything come from ur HEART. If ur HEART do not hv me, please let me know. Don't hold to me n keep me aside. It's very selfish of u n u make me cry...

How could someone be so selfish to hold you on for so long and do nothing with you?

I tot I would not need enter to this blog again ... My sad corner...doesn't seems to end..
I look tinnier each day...I seem dissapearing from his heart. Silent for close to 4 weeks, no action & day passes by like usual. I would even want to look at him. Very very sad n hurt. Very....and he will never understand and do no care to understand.

I hv so much to say ...to explode from my heart but my energy drained out. Nothing will change regardless how much I share and explain because everything comes from the HEART. If u do not hv a HEART, nothing will happen and can be achieved.

"Try forgiving if you can't forget"

What is forgiving if it remains in your heart?

What is forgiving if you are the only one playing the role ?

How many forgiveness u can spare in order for history not to repeat?

Forgiving is easy said than done! It involves of alot of courage & guts.

I will try...