It's raining out there...
Feeling cold like my heart...
Hiding myself under the comforter but still can't fall asleep...
I m speechless...
What I want to do next?
What will happen?
Do I hv the courage to take the huge step in my life?
The step that will decide my future...another half of my life...

I'm so tired but can't sleep...
In looked at my palm and saw many fine lines..uncountable..making my hands look wrinkled and old...
Too many things occupying my mind...I need to let go...

I dun see it coming...
I dun see the will...
I dun see the energy...
I dun see the excitement...
I dun see the effort...
I dun the our future...

Regardless what he said about making the effort to focus on our future...I dun see he is working towards it..
The most he did was asking me if I wan to go for movie or shopping...
That is the most he can do?

The same old way to say he proof his effort...doing nothing much than just words and live like normal...

What is even sad is that saw the SMS from mum to him asking him to solve our prob and how could him leave the prob for so long and doing nothing, not even bringing me out to Pak tor..

It was the same day he SMS me to solve our prob

If mum didn't text him, would he put his effort to try to solve the prob?

Very sad...really heart broken...
Is this call love...

I tot love should be loving..

Why is love becoming so painful ...

How could he be so heartless?

How could he be so selfish to hold on to my life and do nothing but enjoy his own live?

I rather he tells me that he realize tat he dun love me as much as he tot and had never put me as 1st priority and would never be..
Let stab deep in my heart...at least I know the the ending...let me just suffer the pain for a short period..

Rather the pain prolong without any results by telling me that he will TRY to put me in his priority and want me to trust tat he want to build a home wit me BUT nothing happens ...
Such pain he puts me in is much more cruel than telling me tat he doesn't love me...

His heart only has his holiday and his work and all the fun things...


I want an answer..
I want a result...
I dun want to be hanging in this way...
I hv hang on for 4 years...I m tired...

I only want a loving and caring husband and happy home...

While he was driving me back from gym, the cd played a song " sa kua"... Silly person...

Tears rolling down...

Silly me...

After 1 yr of sacrificIng my darling, I hv achieve 25% incremental in salary and 6 months bonus. I wilkTRY my best to put u in priority and will not focus in work so much.


Sacrificing me for his career? I m not sure when he will sacrifice me again for other things he wants to achieve in life? Would u sacrifices ur life partner? Would u say I will TRY to pririoriise you? It comes from the heart and not mouth and not TRY. If u would do it, u would! If u dun, u can't even try!!!

How would he has Time for me?? He is now all excited for his trip..trip to aus, Taiwan and US and dun know where else? He has time for me? His time would be spent on the trip and extending his stay..

I m not important in his heart...

Is all bullish bullshit and bullshit!!!

My heart is aching...
Morning driving to work..listen to songs...
Some songs really makes me cry...
Take a deep deep breathe...

how he defends tht he would commit to our future when he can't even has he discipline to save for our future. After long persuasion and arguments, we ended with opening an account. initially was quite glad when he told me that he will be the on supporting the family regardless how much my earning is. But i offer to share at least 20%. Is an encouragement and assurance to him that i will commit too.

This arguments don't seems to end as every month i need to nag and nag and nag then only the will transfer his savings to this account. I feel very tired of doing it and i don't feel good of doing it. As if i am a bad person but if i don't he won't save and he will give you 101 reasons why he can't save.

but what happens if i don't remind or nag him? he will forgets. like this month. one month of silents and 1 month of no savings. a new month is coming, do you think he will transfer 2 months savings in it?

he also promise to save his bonus for the renovation of house and our wedding. Bonus month is Sept and now is Oct. No transfer of money to our account and do you think he would save??? or would he exhaust all the money for his travels and other things...

If we were to live together, i hate to be the bad person. i rather he has the heart and care for our future but so far...does it proves?

Really stressful lately..a lot of activities in office...
Can't fall asleep...too many things in mind...
Is good too...divert my attention of life..
Get away from love and back to reality...
Hopeful time will give me more courage to decide my love life different way.
He may think by doing nothing, time will give him more tine and things will by it's own became normal.
He is absolutely wrong...
I m just silent to give me more courage and braveness to walk away...I m too tired in this relationship and till date I don't see his effort..
He is leaving the relationship at it is and expecting thins will be alright n get bcd as normal without doing anything..
I hv express my feelings and pour out again last nite but i dun think he understand how I feel..
I shouldn't hv expect he will understand because he wouldn't want to learn to understand, if he does, he would hv done it...

Vincent posted a photo in his Facebook " 16th anniversary"...
Very creative ...he transform their kissing photo to word..their love story..where they o and what they hv done..
He celebrated almost every month f their anniversary...see them so loving...very happy for him.
I feel guilty for betraying him previously but I m glad that he found his true love and treasure their love very much...

Very happy for him..

Sad for myself...

I feel like giving up...
I m very tired..

He texted me today : I didn't do well in Greece, can we go Maldives on Christmas?

I dun need a luxury holiday to make it happen...if u present with sincere heart, anywhere anytime will do..
Maldives is just another holiday for him...
Is just a gimmick...

I m not materialistic...
I dun need Greece or Maldives...
I just need an assurance that he will take care and love me by putting me his top priority...

I dun see it...I dun feel it...
One promise after another promise,...
One date to another date...
It's getting latter and latter..

Last month he told me he will do it by oct?then nov?

And now change to dec?

After all his exciting trip to aus, Taiwan and US hn he " may" hv time for me....

Do I look so silly to believe another time?

I don't need a partner that cares ONLY when I fall sick. Even a friend can do better. He is down with sick and diarrhoea since last week and I hv not been asking bout his condition. He may think bout me being heartless and cruel. But the cut in my heart is so deep and the pain I suffer is much much more. He has done nothing much other than giving me kisses and asking me if I feel better.

He soon be away for his trip to Australia, Taiwan, US and some other places, one after another and I will never gonna has his attention. Early next year to get married is already a joke if were to mention about it, house hv no planning on how to renovate or decorate, most importantly....if he cares, nothing is impossible. I just so tinny and seamless in his heart.

Went to temple for prayers yesterday...
Previously when I m down I would seek god for direction ...this time I didn't..
Cos god has helped alot...gos has gave me both direction be it good or bad...
Whether things will change better or not is depends on individual...destiny is in ur hands...
No one can help him if he doesn't want to realize...
I m too tired to repeat myself...
I think I m very very close to giving up..I m tired.. Tired chancing for unrealistic dream...
I know my dreams very well..my dream is not to get married...my dream is to hv a loving and caring husband and family...
If I don't hv the secure feeling, no point to push for married...
If he doesn't appreciate and hv th heart to get married, why push for it..

Could only say...I m too silly to believe that would happen in him...

A kiss in the morning before you left to work means everything??? After one month of silent, just a morning kiss?

Got home today and mom told me that he is sick and went for injection. What can I do? Although I wish to care but who care for me? Only sick ppl need to be cared and healthy ppl will be left unattended?

He thought I am angry.. He thought we are quarrel...

He didn't realise that the silents is bringing us to different direction...

No one can make you realise or change you except yourself..
No point talking the same thing to him again and again..
If he will accept, he would hv ...
If he don't, he would never be...

A friend posted a quote in facebook that speaks my heart :

If he misses u, he will call
If he cares,he will show it
If he is not, he can't be worth your time
Because you are obviously not worth his!!

I felt exactly the same way..
I am crying again...
I cry when I listen to sad song while driving
I cry when I feel sad
Does he cares and feel how I feel?

Only God knows how I feel...
The cut in my heart is so deep and day by day it hurts more and more..
He didn't bother to even cure it..

He asked me over and over again today.." So how long more we need to quarrel for?"

Me: did you even care? We have been so for a month and the only thing I hear from you is that " when are we going to end the war " and " how long more?". Do you care how I feel? Do u use ur heart to feel how I feel? Do u use ur heart to listen?".

He didnt respond but continue doing what he is doing?

I just hide myself under my blanket and cried. Really want to cried out loud but who hear me and who cares?

I turned to him and asked " may I ask one question: what is the most important thing in ur life. What is ur top priority?"

He said " to have a fAmily"

In my heart I was thinking... Do u know what u are saying? Do u said because u think it is the right thing to say?

Then he added" I just don't want to quarrel with u"

Me " I am not quarreling with u and don't use that as a reason for not doing anything. Just ask urself how much time and effort u allocate each day in 24 h to achieve what u call as most important thing in your life??. Tat answer your question.

U can't claim that it is the most important thing in ur life when u do nothing and hoping things will happen on its own. U can't claim that it is the most important thing to u when u didn't even bother to achieve it.

How could u said something that u didn't do!

I really don't understand. And am I the most important person in his heart for him to achieve a family?

I am very sure what I want in life that why I am pushing for things to happen but it doesn't involve me alone, it takes both hands to clap.

Don't I deserve to have a happy family with loving and caring husband? He doesn't think I deserve it that's why I am not getting it?

God... Why am I treated this way?

Mom reminded him that this year I need to celebrate my birthday in a big way but celebration didn't happen and there is not even an effort to replace or to re-celebrate for me. But his cousin past away, he was so down and was so worried that relatives comment on him not attending funeral bla bla bla.. And he makes sure he made it on the 7th day of the death. I am not even important compared to a death person. Our proposal postpone day aft day and till date, didn't accepted.. Does he has the urgency to make it happen? NO !! Does he needs to wait till I die then he will hv the urgency?

The last proposal he made was just so so heartlessly and he is so embarrased to kneel down or even to get a flower for me. He is not even proud to have me!

Till now I can still remember the heartless face and I really wonder if he really loves me. I can be sure if Vincent, he will be very proud to propose to me. Not because he is ego but he is proud to tell the whole world that he loves me and that he want to live with me for the entire life. But for daniel, I am not sure... Really not sure...can only see through his eyes that he feels embarrass... I am not sure if he really loves me and see me as his life partner.

I have so many ppl whether my friends, colleague, unknown people.. Come asking me almost everyday.. When am I getting married? How long hv u been in the relationship? Then ... They hv this weird look at me and ask... "Is ur relationship stabil?" ... "Is he serious on you?"

Why people even those who doesnt knows him or our relationship will ask this questions? Because ppl will be surprise that such many years relationship hasn't move to next level. Ppl is suprise that if the guy is serious and treasure the girl... He would be eager to want to get married to her and would worry that other guys may take her away.

But I really don't think he has that feeling on me.

The silent days we have make me realise that he cares nothing on me.

The reason for being silent is not wanting to quarrel with me is just a reason he gives to himself for doing nothing.

If a guy who truly loves a girl, he would definitely worry and care for the girl and will not wait for this long and yet still do nothing!

I become to see clearer each day how much I meant to him...

My heart is aching...very pain and hurt
The only moment he approached me is yesterday -message me " when we are going to end this war?"
Is this all? Is this call effort?
I don't think he understand how I feel...

Today bump into a group of his friends..a guy tab on my shoulder and said " ji ji tan tek lui yan " ( in Cantonese ) ...I just smile and left.

It means ..." loyally waiting lady" ....in my heart I cried out loud, tears at the side of my eyes and I hold it tight.

It's a critic more than compliment.. It sound more like " pak chi tan tek lui yan "....."silly-Ed-Ly waiting lady"

Everyone know who is he... A free and easy guy... No commitment..no intension to build a family..

.Just me so silly waiting and hoping things will change..

Don't tell me tat you hv bought a house and ring... It means nothing to me...they are just a small small thing to be done, more and more to come and to do to take up this responsibility.

I just think u r not looking forward to it.. No excitement...no urgency...no worries...I m just push to the last in your to do list...

It is just so so sad... Very sad..I m really very very sad... What can I do?

Don't be so selfish to hold on my life and do nothing to me...I just want a happy family, caring and loving husband who take care of home...I didn't do anything wrong to be treated like this....

God what hv I done wrong that I didn't deserve for a happy family...why is it so hard to hv my own family. Why he has to treat me so? If he doesn't treasure me then let me go

Silly girl...
Why do u cry?
Why feel sad?
Why feel hurt u ?
As if he cares?
U r crying by yourself but he is partying with his bosses and pretty colleagues ...singing , smoking, drinking , dancing ....
Does he care for u ?
If he does he will not make u wait...
If he cares, he will not keep u alone...
If he cares, he will not do nothing...
I m just so so silly ...

How do I tell u how hurt I m ? Do u not hv feelings for me or are you just being ignorant? I hide and cry to myself in toilet , in blanket and while driving. Very very sad n my heart is just so so in pain. U said u will never make me cry but u did it again and again ...

Why hold on my life when u don't care for it? Anything that happening is more important than me? I m always push to the last in queue. Never ever your TOP priority. Hv u ask yourself what is the most important thing in ur life? If u can only choose one, wat would it b?

Even ur cousin who recently past away also got better priority than I do. U miss his funeral, u will ask if ur relative talk bout u not attending n you make it back to hometown regardless how late u work to attend his7th day death anniversary. But me.... Ur future life partner ...never gets such attention. U told me ...told m parents last year tat u will wed me this yr on 11.11.11 and mid this year u push the plan to early next yr! And now it become a joke to even say it will happen next year!! How much do I stand in ur heart? Don't tell me I m ur top priority when u don't even spend a solid hours in a day with me!

I m an ordinary girl...only dream to hv a happy family and loving and caring life partners. I can't live with a partner who don't even care how u feel, who won't take care of the family...

I m getting more and more insecure....

Ur day to day action is killing ur reputation in my heart...

I know very well what is my TOP priority...work is never ending, friend is good to hv but when everyone has their own family they will go their way, hobby is own interest but do not hv soul n I can't live alone wit my hobby ...so I know very clear what I want in life ...what is lasting in my heart, who I want to grow old with...

Sad to say I don't think u see it the way I do...

I m getting more n more awake n trying to get back to reality...cant live in a dream thinking tat u will change. Everything come from ur HEART. If ur HEART do not hv me, please let me know. Don't hold to me n keep me aside. It's very selfish of u n u make me cry...

How could someone be so selfish to hold you on for so long and do nothing with you?

I tot I would not need enter to this blog again ... My sad corner...doesn't seems to end..
I look tinnier each day...I seem dissapearing from his heart. Silent for close to 4 weeks, no action & day passes by like usual. I would even want to look at him. Very very sad n hurt. Very....and he will never understand and do no care to understand.

I hv so much to say ...to explode from my heart but my energy drained out. Nothing will change regardless how much I share and explain because everything comes from the HEART. If u do not hv a HEART, nothing will happen and can be achieved.