Like going through a series of drama...never come to an end
only producer can decide the last episode
Everyone wants to be a producer to start the episode but none want to end it

words are getting lesser...
lies are getting more...
suspicious are getting stronger
Feelings are getting faded...

I wanted to cry out loud...but my tears ain't coming out...

What should i do?
How long more i could be in silent? what do i want or expect by keeping silent?
If i speak out, what can i get?
both come to the same conclusion - no solution!

* Yawn Yawn Yawn *

Eyes are tired and motivation level is low ~

I just want to be silent...
Deep in me, i have so much to say but again i am not repeating myself...
Deep in me, i wish i have a solution but again i leave it to god...
Deep in me, i want to leave here and go somewhere stranger and just keep myself calm...
i hope i hv the courage to do so...

Should I wait OR should I confront?
I am usually the one who make the initiative and confront him when we hit into arguments
maybe because I care and impatient to wait...

This time round, i would like to work things the other way round...
i wanted to wait
i was angry and really disappointed to a point i really want to give up the relationship
today i ask myself, does he worth another chance...
i really love him
but i cant accept his attitude and way of doing things
he has taken me lightly
has taken our relationship lightly
will i regret one day if i decided to go to the next level with him?
i know the burden that i need to carry if i decided to stay with him
i may need to carry the entire responsibility for the family including financial, children, household etc etc
what can i do? i thought i can change him
but the saying is right....it is silly to think that you can change a guy
what should i do?
what should i do?

I feel like crying out loud but no tears...

Thing are getting much much better after our last argument...
He is more loving and caring lately...
i have never feel this happy before...
He said he is looking at 11/11 as our date...
No proposal yet so set nothing in my mind yet ;P

enough is enough...

My last post was re ah ma discharged from hosp.

Latest update: ah ma passed away 2 weeks ago...

I felt bad that i wasn't by her side when she passed away..only aunt did.
that is the only regret i have..
I know she is tired already. She had been fighting for her life for many many years and this time she wanted a long term rest. I understand.

Time moving real quick.
Without realizing, we are half a year in next 2 weeks...
... what have i done so far
... what am i going to do next
... what i want for my future

i had a conversation with Daniel last weekend. Not the first time i brought up this subject. Each time, I asked if he has thought about OUR future, he said loudly that he did and he has plan for it!.As a lady, it's not normal to be the one who raise it up, but i admit that i did it due to desperate.

I discussed with him on OUR FUTURE however, it a disappointing conversation...
Started unprepared, unpleasant and ended up unhappily

He uttered any possible reasons, proposals and solutions..nothing concrete or with serious thoughts in it..
He said

1) he cant afford to purchase a property " i disagree with this. With his current income, he should be able to purchase a house and we have been talking about property to buy for the past few months"

2) he cant afford to buy RM 800,000 - 1 mil house "i didn't asked him to buy such high end property"

3) he prefers condo " i thought we had a discussion before and i told him i prefer landed property and he agreed. Instead, he suggested a small landed property with some land"

4) he want to stay at his subang property " i told him before that i hv concern on the location of the property. It's too far from my parents house. they are getting older and i hope to stay nearby in case anything happen to them. Also it's nearer if we would like to go home for dinner or we need help on our kids in future"

5) he commented our relationship is JUST 2 years and still early " Does he has doubt in our relationship to move another step further? If we were young, i dont mind taking our sweet time but i am not young anymore and i really want to build my own family. I wouldnt want to give birth at mid or late 30s. He is not young too. Maybe is never an issue for him. But his parents are old too..at their 70s."

6) in addition he added that his boss sees a bright future in him as some regional sale managers are retiring next 2.5 -4 years "is he telling me to wait for another 3-5 years?"

He changed his words, proposal and promises each time we talked. How do you expect me to trust him?

No secure feelings for me..EMPTY FUTURE

I have lost reasons to convince myself on him. Mandy always has the thoughts that Daniel is NOT the guy for me. I always dream of having a happy family however her impression on Daniel is that he is NOT firm and NOT prepare to build a family. I always thought I am RIGHT but I hate myself for what is happening now proving Mandy is right.

ah ma is going to discharge from Selayang Hospital today after 2 weeks of stay. At last!
I am very grateful that she recovers and will be home soon...

Ah Ma...you got to be tough and strong! I know you are a fighter and i really hope you could stay strong and overcome this stage.

Dad worries most for you. Even when he encounter health problems, he would not give up as he knows you still need him. You are the main motivator to his strength and will to survive. So don't give up coz i don't want to see dad to give up too.

Dad has yet to go for his scope and he is prepared to go for operation if requires. In fact he is going for Korean trip first before his scope. It is very likely to give up his Korea trip which supposed to be this Fri if you are still weak.

Please recover soon and hopefully you dont have to go through another ops. Regardless what, please stay strong. We need you and DAD needs you MOST.

I have been very moody last few days...
I have very low Qi and you could hardly see me smile or laugh...
environment at work is not conducive
People beside me do nothing but gossip
I admit that i am easily influence and affected by environment and people beside me...

there are a couple of people leaving the company....from last month to this month...totaling 4 persons consisting new and experience people and mostly young ones.
Why? i totally understand why....
things are obvious to me. The young ones can't survive with the salary...low basic and it is not easy to earn a commission. To close a case take longer time than expected. In my case where I am handling corporate company, at least it takes 6 months. Then to wait for commission, require another 3 months. Unless there are alot of cases ongoing, then you will see a consistency in income generation. Otherwise, you will be broke in a year and gain in another year. How many ppl can survive with living on basic only. I experience it last year and i can tell you, it is not an easy encounter such situation - you need to deal with your financial and emotion. Your saving account is drying day by day and your emotion is badly affected.

If it is not because I hold a few substantial cases on hand, i would have left early this year. I am just observing now...i am evaluating if it is worth me staying or i should plan to leave for another job. I wanted to see if there are anymore such substantial amount of cases to work on after closing these few cases. If there isn't i would definitely leave. I cant afford to risk another year of a hole in the pocket and then wait for fortune to come. On average, my income is any much better but the risk is high.

I agree that I do see many successful people in this industry, even in my company. But all this is conquered by "old birds" ( experience people) and they are not willing to share their knowledge and database with you. You would definitely need to wait for another 20-30 years at the time where there retire then you would probably see the opportunity. Honestly i do not have the patient to wait.

I see how things go.

It's a sat...no plans for this weekend again?

Valentine's is a month past and we hv not had our celebration.
We had huge argument and close to ending the relationship during this period...
you promise me you would change.
although i try not to hope for anything...i cant...there is still a slight expectation that you would find a day to replace our valentine...
i am waiting...
i hv hinted...
when will the day comes?
We have missed our valentine last year..didnt had a good celebration last year...would it be the same this year too? How about next year and my future valentines?

i wanted to give up...really wanted to give up the expectation...

No one can help you except yourself ...

It's 5.05pm now. I am expecting a call and some work done. I need to leave by 5.30pm. Do you think i can't leave on time?

Can you be more responsive?
Or you are testing my patient and act silent like me?
I am getting very impatient and going to burst...
Asking myself to cool down cool down...

Hi June,

In this silent moments, i understand you are trying very hard to be tough. I understand how it feels to go through this journey.

I know you feel hurt and sad. Why does this happen to you?

You know he won't take any action. You know he will just sit on it and wait..wait till he is free...wait till you approach him...wait till you say "it's ok, let's be together again"...or wait till he feels he need you...

How long more do you need to wait? Will he be too late? You have warned him many times but if he choose to this path, he shouldn't blame you for it.

It's ok June, just take it slowly. Time will cure your hurt and pain. Maybe this is the time to decide. The more you drag it, the more the pain goes deeper...

i had not met up with uni friend's for quite some time. I ffk most of the time...sometimes feeling lazy to go out but most of the time is due to their last minute request.

i know they have been very thoughtful to invite me out but i really feel lazy to get out of my house. I just want to be alone....

No more explanation, excuses and promises! I had enough. I just need actions and heart!

Yeah Yeah...today is the last day of working before chinese new year ;) How nice if company gives 1/2 or 1 day leave. I got to know from my colleagues that if the eve of a festive is a working day, the race celebrating the festive will be given 1 day leave. how nice right? unfortunately, Cny is on Sunday. Please tell me today we are entitle for 1/2 day leave.....i still carry hope ....

i just overheard a heated argument between my boss and another manager. Hmm...it's the nature of the industry that you got to fight for your living. They were talking about the % sharing because both works together to close a case. There is no proper guideline in the company on what would be the % share and how it should be shared. If you refer a case or list a property while another agents sold/rent the space then you are entitled 20% and the other party enjoy 80%. Is this fair? Perhaps...
but in this case, my boss is asking for 50% share...mmm...

Yesterday was a sad and happy day...
I was so determined on Saturday regarding a break in our relationship..but i failed
We got back together.
He came to my house early morning discussing about our relationship. I expressed my feelings, he assured me to change, we cried and we ended up together again...

Sigh, maybe i am worry to make the same mistake again.
I didnt have a courage to request him to stay with me in the relationship when he asked for a breakup. To cut the story short...I was in tremendous confused situation in my love relationship and career. I was promoted and handled new portfolio without any guidance. I put all my time on my work. Partly i also want to avoid thinking about my troubled love. So i spend my day and night on work. I know V put lots of effort to build back our love but i didn't do my part. I am very cold. It hurts him. When i realized that i need to wake up, i decided to stop all the contacts with D and re-focus my time to V instead of work. Unfortunately, the next day, V requested for a break off. I do not have the courage to ask him for another chance coz he said "I can't take it anymore"...I know i must have hurt him alot. I deserve everything that had happened.

So in current relationship, I wouldn't want to make the same mistake again. I know D is changing job and i hope he would spend my time and attention on our relationship after that * Finger Cross*

10th Jan 2010 is the date he promised to change and heal our relationship. He requested for 3 to 12 months time. I agreed.

At that time, I can't take it anymore and expressed my feelings and told him about my thoughts of giving each other a break to consider our relationship. In fact he doesn't say much and he did lightly agree with my suggestion. I couldn't believe it and asked if this is really what he wanted? You see...again i am soft-hearted about it.

When i asked if this is what he wanted too...he then said that he promised to change and give him some time.

Today, 13th Feb - almost a month. We don't seems better...in fact I can't wait any longer...

He just SMS-ed me " June, after cny i will spend more time with you"

After cny he may loss me...

Things are getting serious...i wonder he knows..

He requested me to bare with him for another week..reason is simple - very busy at work.
One week is not a matter to me, i have been waiting for more than a year, what is another week to me?

I have give in so many times. I hate myself for being soft hearted. I have given enough chances. I have tolerated enough. Does he appreciate all these? Is he taking it for granted?

He is very selfish...very very selfish! He only want me to understand his situation, sympathize on him..how about me? Who care for me? Don't i need ppl to understand me? Don't i need someone to care for me?

One whole week, he hasn't been contacting me much. Not even care if i am still living well. His reason is simple...i am living with my family, anything happen to me, my family will care for me. How irresponsible are such comment. So if i were to married to him one day, do i still depends on my family all the time? Cant i trust this guy to take care of me a lifetime?

Today suppose to me our early valentine's celebration. However, we had this unhappy conversation. He kept persuading me to answer him if i wanna to go for the dinner he has booked.

"Please answer me if you want to go for the dinner tonight. Otherwise i will go to work"

From the sound of it, he is not even sincere to go to dinner with me. I don't think much efforts and heart was put in for the dinner.

I just kept silent. I don't know what to answer him. If i were to tell him that I'm not in the mood to go for the dinner with my swollen eyes, he would blame me in future that I'm the one who cancel the dinner. If i were to go for the dinner, his heart is not even on the dinner, what's the point.

I didn't request much from him. I just hope he could at least call or sms to concern and care for me. Nothing at all...not even a sms to ask me "how are you doing?". Promise to come at 9.30pm but called at 11.30pm to said he cant come. Tell me, how can I trust this person to take care of me a lifetime.

He thought he would need to put all his time and effort at work just for another week and he can spend time with me. But i just wanted to ask....is this called love? When you are free, you spend time with her and requested her to care for you. When you are busy or want to do your stuff, you don't even bother to care if she still exist.

He just told me " i need to go back to work. They called me. They need help"

Your colleagues need you? How about me?

I know myself well. I'm not a person who don't understand what is important and what is not. I'm not a person who is not understanding. I am very very sure about this. It is because you don't give me enough security and care that makes me think otherwise and choose not to understand.

The problem doesn't lies on the work. Is him. I'm just not his priority. I'm just not the person he loves more than himself. I'm not so important to him.

One week... To him, one more week to complete his job. But he doesn't realize this one week is also the week that he may lose me.

I choose to keep silent. I will not answer his call or responds to his SMS if there is one. Even if i do, it will only be a simple respond. I need a BREAK ...I want to SLOW our relationship and i will seriously CONSIDER our relationship. I have a CHOICE to walk MY WAY too..

"If this is your choice of life, i will choose to walk away"

"I'm selfish, impatient, and insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe

SLeepY....SLeEpY....

Please help me!

I'm gonna sleep early today and avoid baking cookies till late night...

Energy low....Energy low...
Was helping my aunt baking cookies last night..slept late..
in fact i am having hard time to sleep...
haiz...what bothers my mind if it's not love matter.
feel exhausted with the repetitive probs and scenario...when is this going to end...
OR it will never end?

Very often my old memories return ...especially when we have arguments
I started to recall the good memories with V ... among all the relationships i had/have, he is the most understanding BF. We seems to have the mutual understanding...we know what each other have on mind without much explanation. We LISTEN to each other...and we LEARN...

But with Dan, I find it hard to make him understand or listen to my feelings...I am getting tired repeating myself, expressing how i feel all the time and making him learn to understand me.
I am getting tired talking talking and talking for the fact that nothing goes to his ear and heart.

Lately, i am getting impatient...i believe i have reach my limit of patience. I have heard enough of promises, sweet words and less action...i had enough...

i am getting quiet ...keeping myself silent...my mind and heart need a BREAK!

It's very warm in the office...

I want to go home...

I have gained weight! So what is next?
I do go gym once in a while...not regular la
i do promise myself to keep fit...but everyday is exceptional case for me! haha...i deserve it is it?

My weight used to stabilised at 46kg! And i am now 51kg...trying very hard to loss weight but fail to do so even for just 2 kg. Gosh is it due to age?

I hv to admit that I am aging...
no longer youthful like previous...
and i hate hate hate to say that my freckles are growing like mushroom..

i need to change my look!
all boils down to $$ ...

The weather is so hot...it is so sunny...my head is exploding...please help..
i want to get out of this place and go home..
i miss home..
i really hv no mood to work...
i want to go home...

Happy New Year !

What a late wishes right? hahaha...
I had a busy start of the year...catching up with what i missed after long holidays, mending some shits leftovers by my colleagues.

i am so bored today. running out of mood to work today...in fact is this week. feel sleepy...eyes hardly could open ....

Dan was offered by his previous boss to a diapers company. They offered high basic. Of course is different with current company. Current company is paying him lower salary but higher allowance. Although we added up everything, not much difference between the both company's offer. but i hope he would change job! again i am the person who encourage him to change job. i hope i made the right decision for him. he has good future in current company but the working lifestyle is not healthy at all. Early morning call from boss, meeting at late evening, come home at 9pm-10 pm, working on sat and tremendous stress and pressure. Does it worth? My obvious answer is NO! he has no chance to go to gym, looks tired most of the time and have a couples of chest pain, headaches and tummy upset. You could also imagine that we hardly have time together. SEE....Nothing good except the salary and name of company.

I really hope he could spend more time on me, focus his attention and fulfill his promises. I'm patiently waiting...in fact...getting less patience lately till becoming nosy over small issues...
i really hope our relationship will improve day by day...