No one can help you except yourself ...

It's 5.05pm now. I am expecting a call and some work done. I need to leave by 5.30pm. Do you think i can't leave on time?

Can you be more responsive?
Or you are testing my patient and act silent like me?
I am getting very impatient and going to burst...
Asking myself to cool down cool down...

Hi June,

In this silent moments, i understand you are trying very hard to be tough. I understand how it feels to go through this journey.

I know you feel hurt and sad. Why does this happen to you?

You know he won't take any action. You know he will just sit on it and wait..wait till he is free...wait till you approach him...wait till you say "it's ok, let's be together again"...or wait till he feels he need you...

How long more do you need to wait? Will he be too late? You have warned him many times but if he choose to this path, he shouldn't blame you for it.

It's ok June, just take it slowly. Time will cure your hurt and pain. Maybe this is the time to decide. The more you drag it, the more the pain goes deeper...

i had not met up with uni friend's for quite some time. I ffk most of the time...sometimes feeling lazy to go out but most of the time is due to their last minute request.

i know they have been very thoughtful to invite me out but i really feel lazy to get out of my house. I just want to be alone....

No more explanation, excuses and promises! I had enough. I just need actions and heart!

Yeah Yeah...today is the last day of working before chinese new year ;) How nice if company gives 1/2 or 1 day leave. I got to know from my colleagues that if the eve of a festive is a working day, the race celebrating the festive will be given 1 day leave. how nice right? unfortunately, Cny is on Sunday. Please tell me today we are entitle for 1/2 day leave.....i still carry hope ....

i just overheard a heated argument between my boss and another manager. Hmm...it's the nature of the industry that you got to fight for your living. They were talking about the % sharing because both works together to close a case. There is no proper guideline in the company on what would be the % share and how it should be shared. If you refer a case or list a property while another agents sold/rent the space then you are entitled 20% and the other party enjoy 80%. Is this fair? Perhaps...
but in this case, my boss is asking for 50% share...mmm...

Yesterday was a sad and happy day...
I was so determined on Saturday regarding a break in our relationship..but i failed
We got back together.
He came to my house early morning discussing about our relationship. I expressed my feelings, he assured me to change, we cried and we ended up together again...

Sigh, maybe i am worry to make the same mistake again.
I didnt have a courage to request him to stay with me in the relationship when he asked for a breakup. To cut the story short...I was in tremendous confused situation in my love relationship and career. I was promoted and handled new portfolio without any guidance. I put all my time on my work. Partly i also want to avoid thinking about my troubled love. So i spend my day and night on work. I know V put lots of effort to build back our love but i didn't do my part. I am very cold. It hurts him. When i realized that i need to wake up, i decided to stop all the contacts with D and re-focus my time to V instead of work. Unfortunately, the next day, V requested for a break off. I do not have the courage to ask him for another chance coz he said "I can't take it anymore"...I know i must have hurt him alot. I deserve everything that had happened.

So in current relationship, I wouldn't want to make the same mistake again. I know D is changing job and i hope he would spend my time and attention on our relationship after that * Finger Cross*

10th Jan 2010 is the date he promised to change and heal our relationship. He requested for 3 to 12 months time. I agreed.

At that time, I can't take it anymore and expressed my feelings and told him about my thoughts of giving each other a break to consider our relationship. In fact he doesn't say much and he did lightly agree with my suggestion. I couldn't believe it and asked if this is really what he wanted? You see...again i am soft-hearted about it.

When i asked if this is what he wanted too...he then said that he promised to change and give him some time.

Today, 13th Feb - almost a month. We don't seems better...in fact I can't wait any longer...

He just SMS-ed me " June, after cny i will spend more time with you"

After cny he may loss me...

Things are getting serious...i wonder he knows..

He requested me to bare with him for another week..reason is simple - very busy at work.
One week is not a matter to me, i have been waiting for more than a year, what is another week to me?

I have give in so many times. I hate myself for being soft hearted. I have given enough chances. I have tolerated enough. Does he appreciate all these? Is he taking it for granted?

He is very selfish...very very selfish! He only want me to understand his situation, sympathize on him..how about me? Who care for me? Don't i need ppl to understand me? Don't i need someone to care for me?

One whole week, he hasn't been contacting me much. Not even care if i am still living well. His reason is simple...i am living with my family, anything happen to me, my family will care for me. How irresponsible are such comment. So if i were to married to him one day, do i still depends on my family all the time? Cant i trust this guy to take care of me a lifetime?

Today suppose to me our early valentine's celebration. However, we had this unhappy conversation. He kept persuading me to answer him if i wanna to go for the dinner he has booked.

"Please answer me if you want to go for the dinner tonight. Otherwise i will go to work"

From the sound of it, he is not even sincere to go to dinner with me. I don't think much efforts and heart was put in for the dinner.

I just kept silent. I don't know what to answer him. If i were to tell him that I'm not in the mood to go for the dinner with my swollen eyes, he would blame me in future that I'm the one who cancel the dinner. If i were to go for the dinner, his heart is not even on the dinner, what's the point.

I didn't request much from him. I just hope he could at least call or sms to concern and care for me. Nothing at all...not even a sms to ask me "how are you doing?". Promise to come at 9.30pm but called at 11.30pm to said he cant come. Tell me, how can I trust this person to take care of me a lifetime.

He thought he would need to put all his time and effort at work just for another week and he can spend time with me. But i just wanted to ask....is this called love? When you are free, you spend time with her and requested her to care for you. When you are busy or want to do your stuff, you don't even bother to care if she still exist.

He just told me " i need to go back to work. They called me. They need help"

Your colleagues need you? How about me?

I know myself well. I'm not a person who don't understand what is important and what is not. I'm not a person who is not understanding. I am very very sure about this. It is because you don't give me enough security and care that makes me think otherwise and choose not to understand.

The problem doesn't lies on the work. Is him. I'm just not his priority. I'm just not the person he loves more than himself. I'm not so important to him.

One week... To him, one more week to complete his job. But he doesn't realize this one week is also the week that he may lose me.

I choose to keep silent. I will not answer his call or responds to his SMS if there is one. Even if i do, it will only be a simple respond. I need a BREAK ...I want to SLOW our relationship and i will seriously CONSIDER our relationship. I have a CHOICE to walk MY WAY too..

"If this is your choice of life, i will choose to walk away"

"I'm selfish, impatient, and insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe

SLeepY....SLeEpY....

Please help me!

I'm gonna sleep early today and avoid baking cookies till late night...

Energy low....Energy low...
Was helping my aunt baking cookies last night..slept late..
in fact i am having hard time to sleep...
haiz...what bothers my mind if it's not love matter.
feel exhausted with the repetitive probs and scenario...when is this going to end...
OR it will never end?

Very often my old memories return ...especially when we have arguments
I started to recall the good memories with V ... among all the relationships i had/have, he is the most understanding BF. We seems to have the mutual understanding...we know what each other have on mind without much explanation. We LISTEN to each other...and we LEARN...

But with Dan, I find it hard to make him understand or listen to my feelings...I am getting tired repeating myself, expressing how i feel all the time and making him learn to understand me.
I am getting tired talking talking and talking for the fact that nothing goes to his ear and heart.

Lately, i am getting impatient...i believe i have reach my limit of patience. I have heard enough of promises, sweet words and less action...i had enough...

i am getting quiet ...keeping myself silent...my mind and heart need a BREAK!